“…I may freely address you as ‘pissmidget’”

(Also posted on Bark)

It’s summer, I don’t have to go back to full time teaching until the fall and in between the projects on my to do list for this time off (garden work that will never happen, filling out the paperwork for becoming an American citizen, brushing the dog, planning for lessons, watching bad TV) I thought I would do some writing. However, my motivation to put words on paper plummeted to the lowest low when Monday’s mail brought  two rejection letters. Scott, Shira, and Sam have already “barked” on the subject and I don’t have anything to add other than that this video of Irish comedian Dylan Moran as the main character in the TV series Black Books reacting to a recent rejection letter cheered me up. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS1NOXWVWgo)

What do you do to cheer yourself up after one of these missives show up in your mail or inbox?

Posted in Humor, Rejections, Submissions & Queries | 2 Comments

Marketing, marketing, marketing!

As if it’s not enough stress to carve out enough time in the day for writing, aspiring authors also have to research marketing opportunities and start to establish themselves in the webby-facebooky-myspacey-bloggosphere.

I know what you’re thinking; shouldn’t you have a book published before you start working on your marketing plan? And yes, I should, but it isn’t just the books you’re marketing, it’s also yourself, your image, your presence, etc. Look at how many authors are on Facebook and/or have webpages and/or blogs. Why does Malcolm Gladwell publish a bunch of essay in the New Yorker right before one of his books hit the shelves? Because he knows marketing, baby!

In nonfiction marketing discussions I forever hear the word “platform,” as in “what’s your platform?” I don’t know what my platform is, I just write, but sometimes I worry if maybe I should have a platform and then write from that. Am I waisting my time writing without a platform? Does that mean my book will never be published?

It’s enough stress to merit a visit to the doctor for a request of increased dosage in your anti-anxiety prescription. And then you come across something like today’s “Shouts & Murmurs” section in the New Yorker and realize that laughter is after all, the best medicine. I giggled for a long time after reading Ellis Weiner’s ”Subject: Our Marketing Plan.”

Enjoy!

Posted in Humor, Inspiration, Marketing | Comments »

Gimp Update

Sammy is still limping around, but he’s putting more and more weight on his foot. I think he’s going to be just fine. He’s on painkillers and antibiotic, which both seem to help. I notice that the leg bothers him more at the end of the day than in the morning after his medication.

Although he milks being a cripple for all it is worth, he also took off across the yard after a squirrel today, at full speed. Afterwards he limped back to me, leaned against my leg and asked for sympathy strokes by hitting my hand with his nose. I’m not sure if he needed it because his leg hurt or because he didn’t catch the squirrel. In the photo he’s on the back patio, looking for more squirrels.

(Moved from my old blog: http://writingvalkyrie.blogspot.com.)

Posted in Humor, When Life Happens | Comments »

Bloody Night Adventures

Horrible screams echoed from the bottom of the garden as the writer’s hands were poised over the keyboard. She had spent most of the day procrastinating and now as the clock struck midnight, she was finally ready to put some words onto paper. Then, the high pitched sounds outside the house froze her blood and stilled her limber fingers. It sounded as if one of God’s living creatures were being mauled to death. Acting on pure protective instinct, she rushed through the sliding back doors and down the garden path to the source of the screams. Searching in the darkness she spotted a patch of white fur curled up in a small ball, amber eyes begged her to help take away the pain, to end the suffering…

Okay, so what I found was my shepherd-mix Sammy, once again he’d tried to play with a porcupine. To my extremely friendly dog, everything that moves on two or more legs is a potential playmate. This is the third time he’s tried to join the porcupine gang. It’s the first time however, that he’s been screaming in pain after the meeting. Usually he runs up to me, nose and chest covered in needles, a sheepish grin on his face, trying to pretend nothing unusual has happened. This time he was really in pain and since he almost never whines or whimpers, hearing him screaming out in anguish was very hard for me.

I tried to pull out the needles, but since he was at the bottom of our extremely steep hill garden, I couldn’t see very well in the dark. After I retrieved a head lamp and tweezers from the house, I managed to get a few needles out of his leg, but it hurt him so much each time I pulled that my gentle puppy nibbled at my fingers to get me to stop. At one time, it caused so much pain he clamped down fairly hard while screaming extra loud. Time to take him to the emergency vet clinic, but how would I get him up the steep hill? He’s too heavy for me to carry up the slope.

I walked in front of him, repeating cheerfully through tears: “Come on Sammy, let’s go for a ride in the car. Let’s go for a ride. You want to go in the car?” He limped on three legs up the hill, alternating between happily panting in anticipation of one of his favorite activities—second best after going for a walk—and yelping each time his damaged leg’s front paw touched the ground. We finally made it to the garage and into the car. I drove extremely carefully to the vet, trying not to jolt him in the back. When we got to the clinic, they hurriedly showed us into one of the examination, rooms eventhough the waiting room had two other dogs in it. Sammy limped down the corridor, screaming on each step. This is when I discovered that I was covered in blood from pulling the needles out of his leg. The vet was visibly disappointed when I told him the case he had in front of him was nothing worse than a silly dog trying to play with a porcupine.

One hour and $237 later, I brought home a puppy that was limping groggily from pain and the anesthesia. I pulled into the garage and opened the back door of the car, expecting Sammy to exit the car with some of his usual enthusiasm. Instead, he was cowering in the back, not wanting to put any weight on his sore leg. I ended up carrying him to his bed where he laid all night, whimpering every now and then.

This morning my baby was a little more alert, but the pain killers and the penicillin he has to take makes him sleepy. The needles penetrated some major muscles in his leg and it will probably be sore for a couple of days. According to the vet, some of the needles had already migrated through the muscle, so there may be some in the leg that the clinic couldn’t get to. I have to monitor the leg daily and pull out anything that pokes out in the next day or two.

Meanwhile, Sammy is milking his suffering for all it’s worth. After taking his medicine this morning and receiving treats for being such a good boy, he scratched the milk bone box with his healthy paw to get some more. When I said no, he held up the damaged leg, hung his head low and whimpered. A performance worthy of an Oscar. I gave him another cookie.
(Moved from my old blog: http://writingvalkyrie.blogspot.com.)

Posted in Humor, When Life Happens | Comments »

What’s the Definition of Funny?

Tonight I went to a local comedy club with some friends. I’ve always admired stand up comics, the good ones makes something really hard looks so very easy. It’s like they’re just hanging out with friends and shooting the breeze. The ones we saw tonight were not that good. Instead of delivering well written material, they relied on shock factor instead. Don’t get me wrong, I like a dirty or offensive joke as much as the next guy. But if it isn’t funny, then what’s the point?

So that got me thinking. What I find funny is of course not what other people find funny. Is it easier to tell a good joke than to write a good joke? Probably, and if you don’t get to tell your joke, if you have to rely on someone else reading it, then it is really hard. I admire humorist writers even more than comics. My favorite right now is David Sedaris.

The first time I heard him was on NPR. He was reading an essay from Me Talk Pretty One Day. I was laughing so hard, I had to pull over on the side of the road to not crash my car. After the program was over, I drove straight to a bookstore and bought the book. I don’t know if the book would have been less funny if I hadn’t heard Sedaris’ voice before reading it; his timing and delivery are always perfect. However, I’ve enjoyed all his books and always look for his essays in the New Yorker. Maybe I find him so funny because we have similar types of humor, but then a lot of people must share that with me, because he is immensely popular. I prefer to think that he’s an incredibly good writer and I think the proof of that is that he makes something really hard looks so very easy.

So tell me, who do you think is the funniest person alive today?

Here are some links to You Tube with David Sedaris reading three of my favorites of his essays.

“Jesus Shaves”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYi0zTRC2r0

“Bend Over and Say ‘Ah’”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JJ-tK7-gIk

“Stadium Pal”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBdymtyXt8Y

“6 to 8 Black Men”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCUHTDrca4s

Posted in Authors I Admire, Essays, Humor, Inspiration | Comments »